10 May, 2006

People pay good money for this kind of safari

Today, I spent my usual late afternoon like most US military, trying to find something to do during the hottest part of the day. Usually (for normal people) it is an expedition to find a working AC unit but today I decided to up the body count on the US war on pigeon shaped poop terrorists. Bird flu is an Al-Qaeda plot after all. For the last decade the hangar we have been using has been abandoned, the pigeons ruled the roost.

The birds have apparently been rather upset about the new occupants and have been showing their displeasure by pooping everywhere. When entering the hangar you must wear a hat. A plane being worked on rapidly accumulates a coating of pigeon droppings.

Enough is enough and the unit leadership has authorized unrestricted (short of WMD use) warfare on the birds. Your correspondent is a committed (or perhaps should be…) member of the eradication team. Doing my part for democracy!

My count is rising rapidly and the birds have begun to show signs of hunting pressure. They seem to be associating the appearance of a few people looking and point at them as reason to hide. They are now scurrying behind I-beams in the hangar making it hard to shoot. I’d say about 1/3 seem to be smart enough to dope out, if I can’t see the two legged murderous psycho he can’t see me. For the other 2/3’s – death.

Today I was in the hangar alone looking for victims when a group of about fifteen Iraqi guards and maintenance troops entered. Apparently my exploits have been getting some favorable press as I was quickly surrounded by them and then was the recipient of many thanks and pats on the back. The Iraqi guards are especially thankful as they have born the brunt of the poop attacks.

After the congrats and such the Iraqi’s began to offer me assistance by pointing up a potential targets. Speaking in Pidgin English (no irony there) they quickly found a particular dumb bird low down on the wall. As I fumbled with the ammo tin several guards reached for the can to be my ammo bearers. In short order it became the scene from a bad movie as the great white hunter strolled about trying to get a good shot while his safari, gun bearers and ammo boys scurried about.

Finally getting a shot off I smacked the wall next to the bird and it fluttered up higher. More pointing and talking at the bird as the guards began pushing and shoving to be the one to offer me the next pellet. Another pair took the rifle from me (obviously the NCOIC’s) and cocked and loaded it then handed it back.

High up on the wall the wary pigeon regarded the scene below with alarm. I lined up the shot and bam! Scratch one pigeon. Or so I thought. Tumbling and bouncing down the wall it landed on a cross beam and lay there. In silence the hunting party looked at the flopping bird. It wasn’t a clean kill unfortunately. After a little while it staggered along the beam and hid behind another. We could see the head sticking out but it was a tough shot.
The Iraqi’s were determined to help me get this one so they began to throw things at the bird in order to flush it out. Finally, one of them heaved a basket ball at the spot and the pigeon broke cover. Flopping along in some sort of variation of flapping and gliding the bird swooped across the hangar trailing feathers and fluff. Across the broad expanse it tumbled until it had reached the massive doors on the other side. Sort of falling through the air the bird managed to slip into the spaces between the doors.

The Iraqi’s were off in hot pursuit. In a few moments the door was surrounded as the Iraqi’s tried to get at the bird. I am not sure what would have happened if they had managed to flush it out as I was laughing to hard at that point to take a safe shot.

After about five minutes I convinced them that it was OK and that I really appreciated the effort. So continues the joint Iraqi/American war on terror, or pigeon poop.


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